Thinking: Motivation

Motivation is interesting… Because it can be hard to really point out what it is and where it came from. For example, what’s your motivation to get out of bed? Are you going somewhere, have something to do?

What motivates you to finish that project? Is it a passion project that you care about, or is it something you signed yourself up for?

Motivation is kind of a drive, a reason to do something. I find myself losing it a lot of the time, it’s very easy to lose sight of what you were originally looking at to push yourself forwards.

I feel unsure that I can ever really get a job, it’s just not happening. Any help I get is extremely temporary right now.

But I guess I also find myself thinking, at times like these, where I find myself remembering the drive in the first place. I can’t just give up, that’s really not an option. And maybe if I keep at it, I can make it somewhere with my art and my writing. They’re the most important things to me, so they’re what I’d want to progress with.

But sometimes you need to start from somewhere lower. Somewhere you might not really want to, but everyone starts somewhere, I suppose. I’m going to have to go to the job centre when I come back from a holiday and I’m pretty frightened. They’re very cruel when it comes to cutting off money, they did it a lot to my brother, I’m sure they’ll do it to me.

My motivation, however, is what I figured out yesterday. When really being asked, “What really pushes you to want a job?”

Of course, the very obvious answer is money.

But there’s more personal layers to it then I ever really realised before.

I lost my sense of self worth two years ago. Two years ago I had a fight with a friend that I thought meant a lot to me, and then not long after on the morning of my birthday, my grandmother died.

At the time, it was devastating. I felt like I’d lost everything, and it made getting through university so much harder. That was one of the reasons that particular university seemed so good.

Then I’d have to catch glimpses of this person I grew to loathe after having cared for them so much for a few years. I would feel alone, even after trying to get help. Nothing got better.

I feel more sure of my real circle of friends now. But the damage still remains. I have terrible anxiety and it hurts to be alone so much, and really, that’s one of my drives to get this damn job.

To be able to feel like I matter again.

To be able to love myself again.

I had only just built myself up when I left college, I was so happy with myself. After a whole life of hating myself, I finally felt good. But then it all got torn down over one summer of my first university year.

My motivation stems from being pushed on by my friends…

And by wanting to feel worth anything again.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s