Tag Archives: thinking

Normal Life Woes

I’ve been on two holidays back to back, and have been extremely tired and lazy ever since I got home.

I had an amazing celebration of my 21st birthday going to Disneyland Paris with my mother, and then went to a popular spot in Britain called Whitby, where I did a bunch of fun little activities all day.

Both were great, but completely wore me out. I’ve been a little sad since I got back I guess? Not really sad but, I’m supposed to be helping out with some project, but I’ve just had 0 motivation for it. There’s so much more I’d rather be doing and I’d just… Rather not, honestly.

It sounds pretty bad of me, and saying it here makes me feel bad, but I can’t just magically fix my more depressive issues to kick myself back into gear.

But I guess everything seems a bit boring once you’ve been to Disneyland for a little while.

I need to make this blog more active, I need to do more writing prompts and try market my book a little more. I hope I can do that in the near future!

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Getting Carried Away is a Good Thing

What on earth am I talking about?

Well, lately I have been on a bit of a mad rush of making new stories and characters. I still have a lot to finish, and now I have a lot to start as well. But I really don’t think it’s a bad thing at all!

Getting the creative juices flowing like they are can be pretty motivating. It’s honestly been a few years or something since I had so many new ideas, and I still feel that same wonder I would have all that time ago.

It’s a lot to keep up with, I doubt I’ll ever really keep up with all the ideas I have, but I don’t mind that. It just proves to me that I have a pretty active imagination, and that I’ll always have ideas! I want to write, so I could never really say it’s a bad thing.

I’ve just been able to get inspired by big or small things, just like I used to. I can’t describe it properly but it’s absolutely amazing to feel so inspired again!

Not that I’ve lost inspiration for my other work, but thinking of the new ones really does put a kick in my step.

It’s just a matter of writing them all, which might just take forever, but that’s fine! Maybe I should get my butt in gear and try keeping up with some writing prompts here again, too.

Either way, I’m pretty happy with where I am with all that.

Other than that, I guess it’s fun to mention that in just two days I’m going to Disneyland! It’s a 21st birthday present from my mum, so I’m really looking forward to that. I love Disney, Disney owns Star Wars and Marvel now which I also love, so I’ll basically be in paradise for a few days! Maybe coming home with a bit more than I can really carry.

Eh. Worth it.

Short update, but I really wanted to share how excited I am about so many new stories! I’ve been able to recycle old characters rather than get rid of them, so that’s always good.

Thinking: Motivation

Motivation is interesting… Because it can be hard to really point out what it is and where it came from. For example, what’s your motivation to get out of bed? Are you going somewhere, have something to do?

What motivates you to finish that project? Is it a passion project that you care about, or is it something you signed yourself up for?

Motivation is kind of a drive, a reason to do something. I find myself losing it a lot of the time, it’s very easy to lose sight of what you were originally looking at to push yourself forwards.

I feel unsure that I can ever really get a job, it’s just not happening. Any help I get is extremely temporary right now.

But I guess I also find myself thinking, at times like these, where I find myself remembering the drive in the first place. I can’t just give up, that’s really not an option. And maybe if I keep at it, I can make it somewhere with my art and my writing. They’re the most important things to me, so they’re what I’d want to progress with.

But sometimes you need to start from somewhere lower. Somewhere you might not really want to, but everyone starts somewhere, I suppose. I’m going to have to go to the job centre when I come back from a holiday and I’m pretty frightened. They’re very cruel when it comes to cutting off money, they did it a lot to my brother, I’m sure they’ll do it to me.

My motivation, however, is what I figured out yesterday. When really being asked, “What really pushes you to want a job?”

Of course, the very obvious answer is money.

But there’s more personal layers to it then I ever really realised before.

I lost my sense of self worth two years ago. Two years ago I had a fight with a friend that I thought meant a lot to me, and then not long after on the morning of my birthday, my grandmother died.

At the time, it was devastating. I felt like I’d lost everything, and it made getting through university so much harder. That was one of the reasons that particular university seemed so good.

Then I’d have to catch glimpses of this person I grew to loathe after having cared for them so much for a few years. I would feel alone, even after trying to get help. Nothing got better.

I feel more sure of my real circle of friends now. But the damage still remains. I have terrible anxiety and it hurts to be alone so much, and really, that’s one of my drives to get this damn job.

To be able to feel like I matter again.

To be able to love myself again.

I had only just built myself up when I left college, I was so happy with myself. After a whole life of hating myself, I finally felt good. But then it all got torn down over one summer of my first university year.

My motivation stems from being pushed on by my friends…

And by wanting to feel worth anything again.

Thinking: Inspiration

You can get inspiration for creative endeavours from just about anywhere. Maybe you play a video game and think of an idea for a protagonist in a story that shares some of their traits.

Maybe you watch a movie and adore the setting, and would love to take a spin at it yourself.

The simplest thing can inspire you…

We all say that nothing is truly original. And it’s true, because sometimes you can end up using inspiration without even noticing. You’ll think of something that works, while forgetting it’s from something you’d seen before.

But it’s not a bad thing at all.

There really is no completely original ideas to have now, but there are still different ways to approach the same idea. There can still be so much heart and passion put into something that was driven by something else.

We can all even find that our roots of being heavily influenced by certain things can eventually push us to try and be more unique, to put real heart into our ideas instead of relying on what we already know.

I used to be so big on the Sonic franchise. When I was younger it was what got me into art, it was one of the games that got me into storytelling. Particularly Sonic Adventure 2. I was too young to really consider any of its problems, I suppose.

But that aside, I used to just draw them. Just write about these characters that weren’t mine, making my own universes and interpretations of them.

Then I moved onto fan characters.

And then eventually…

I started making my own characters. My own stories and universes.

It has been a long road, over ten years at this point, but I think it’s important to remember what shaped me into who I am today. My tastes back then still kind of stay with me, and I feel confident in my ability to interpret ideas into my own because of where I started.

I get a little embarrassed about it sometimes, but I still have those fond memories. And most importantly, I still have that same inspiration I had back then.

I can observe an idea, and if I really like it, I can interpret it in a way that’s unique to me. Of course there will be other people that might do things similarly, but in the end, I know that I can really put my heart into my own creative projects.

I can chase a dream I never realised I had for years, to become a writer.

I just enjoy the humble beginnings I had, I suppose. No one really bothered to be harsh on my older art, and I never shared my older stories anywhere. I never had a knock in my confidence so I was always able to push on.

That being said, if anyone has, I really hope they don’t give up! If you’ve been told something kinda mean, you should either try ignore it and keep trying, or (oddly enough) use it as fuel to keep going. Some people get pretty far using spite like that, oddly enough.

Yeah. Random thoughts as usual.

A fun day out

It was nice to finally get out of the house for once.

There is a festival in my hometown every summer, it’s really nice, it invites lots of different cultures to present an act of some sort. Dance, theatre, this year there was even a set up for VR!

It responded to swinging on a swing, it was very cool honestly.

Really though, I usually look forward to it every year, but I wasn’t that excited this year. I always go with my mum, and her work schedule has been kind of crazy and it prevents her from staying out and doing too much, a bit of a shame.

But anyway, I never enjoyed it as much as usual, but it was still a fun day. Always some quirky acts around for it.

My personal favourite because of how… Random and pretty funny it was, was this bin that ‘moved around by itself’ and even squirted water at people in its way. It was remote controlled but it just looked so funny.

Then the other great ones were the VR one I mentioned before, an aero acrobatics duo and the most impressive was certainly a trapeze act. A very thin rope, with some very talented acrobats performing various tricks on them, and narrating a little story to go with it.

I really enjoy this sort of creative theatre, I like the thought that everyone can watch and go away with different interpretations of what story was being told to them.

Well, anyway, that’s been my day. Hoping I can write some more cool stuff soon!

Thinking: Positivity

It can be hard to stay positive these days.

There’s a lot that can weigh someone down. Sometimes it can feel like you’re completely alone even though you know you’re not.

But recently I discovered…

It’s so unhealthy to depend your mood on other people. It’s what I always have done, I’ve always waited for a certain someone of about three people to message me and only then would I be any kind of happy.

Only recently did I realise just how unhealthy it really was to do that. How easy it is to convince myself that someone doesn’t like me just because they don’t have time to talk. Just because they find a special someone, I assume that means I get replaced.

It happened to me before and that’s why it frightens me. The last time someone said “we shouldn’t talk as much”, I was abandoned by one of the only friends I really had. Ever since then I’ve been terribly depressed, and always anxious when I notice someone talking to me less, or differently.

But starting yesterday I realised…

I don’t need this.

I don’t need to make myself so unhappy and unhealthy just because people don’t have time for me, patience for me…

I can be happy on my own. I can block out the world, block out my friends when they’re ignoring me, and just be at peace with myself.

I did that last night and honestly it worked for me. I shouldn’t be checking my phone and wondering if anyone cares about me…

I should be taking care of myself and blocking out such negativity, realising that it’s okay to be alone sometimes.

Love your friends, but love yourself.

Short Story: The Motivator

She was putting herself down.

She kept saying it wasn’t good enough, and that it wouldn’t be finished in time.

But she pushed on anyway.

She soldiered through her tiredness of the project, through these feelings of not being good enough.

She finished it.

She showed it to me.

It was amazing. Unique. So well done.

I told her I loved it. I loved her inking, I loved her idea in general. The execution was very nice. She nailed it.

Her doubts quelled for a moment. She was able to hear a compliment and gain some confidence in herself and her work. Somebody liked it, and somebody had given her an honest compliment.

She could look at this work she’d produced, get rid of the doubts for even just a moment and tell herself that someone liked it.

I was just happy that she grew to like it too, after all those struggles.

 

He always talked down on himself and saw his work as inferior.

He always looked at other people and said that they could do it better. He doubted himself and kicked dirt at his dreams very often.

But I was here.

I saw his talent that he glossed over and always told him that he should never give up.

He is talented and recently, he finally saw himself as such.

He kept producing his comic and his work as he wanted to, even going back to change some of the older pages to improve the quality after his artwork had improved so much over the last few years.

He has grown so much.

And I am so happy that I got to watch the journey.

 

She received negativity towards her work, and she lost her motivation to create for a little while.

What was the point, she would ask herself, if people were just going to give meaningless and mean spirited critiques?

Ignore them, we told her.

Your work is unique and beautiful because you made it. You’ve been on such a long journey, and you’ve learned so much that nobody could ever hope to take away from you.

Keep creating.

She took the words and nodded her head.

She fearlessly dove back into her creative field to start creating amazing work all over again, and we loved each and every piece.

I’ve known her for a long time.

She’s come a long way and I got to watch a bit of skill turn into masterful skills.

 

I am the motivator.

My friends can get down on themselves and their work sometimes, as anyone can.

I accept that.

But I also accept my duty to lift them up and remind them that they’ve travelled a long journey that isn’t worth giving up on. That they have so much more to learn and create, there’s no reason to give up now.

I am their motivation…

And they are mine.

The power of Nostalgia

I’ve been having a very nostalgic day.

A nostalgic day that saw me sitting and watching through all 300 of the tower challenges in Mortal Kombat 9. Yeah…

Pretty lame in some people’s eyes, but it brings me a lot of great memories.

You see, one of my best friends has gotten back into fighting games, particularly Marvel Vs Capcom 3, we played it so much together a few years ago. He’s gotten back into it and brought me a lot of great memories.

But it also got me thinking about the other games we were playing around the same time. One of those was indeed Mortal Kombat 9. We beat the story mode together (much frustration with the final boss. He took about half an hour for us to beat.), we beat a bunch of arcade modes together to see the cheesy endings.

And what most people spend a lot of their time on that game on… We beat the 300 challenge tower together.

The missions all vary on the character and objective. We’d pass the controller to whoever liked the character better, and on the missions where you got to choose, it was just sort of a back and forwards until someone finally did it.

It’s pretty weird to be so nostalgic for a game that isn’t even that old. It isn’t even that old and it barely holds up to the same graphical quality as Mortal Kombat X… But it still holds a special place in my heart.

All those great memories and so many more.

I just got very invested in that nostalgia today and well… That led me to a five hour video (that I’m still watching as I write this) of the challenge tower! I could have forgotten how frustrating the very last challenge was if I didn’t watch it take some pretty skilled players about 8 hours to beat it.

Damn Shao Kahn, man. He’s never easy but he’s a bit ridiculous in that game, haha.

Essentially the point is, nostalgia can make you do some pretty wacky things! It’s great to remember such good times when so many darker ones are going on right now. Remembering jokes, the game itself, just a lot of little things that completed the experience for us both.

I wonder if I’ll get so into this nostalgia that I’ll watch the story mode again, too…

But I digress.

As long as ‘nostalgia glasses’ don’t prevent you seeing any flaws in anything, I honestly feel like having such an old fondness of something can be the best thing to happen to you. So maybe a few years in the future you’ll stop and remember it, and maybe even go on a happy trip down memory lane as I have today.

A bit of a mellow entry today, but I just wanted to talk about how… Peaceful this nice little nostalgia trip has made me.

Are you very nostalgic for something that’s not really so ‘old’?

Distractions, distractions… And mental health too

Gosh, I really need to be a little more active here.

I am falling apart and even after each time I come on here and try to preach about being positive and having rad friends that will always let you vent to them, and whatever the hell else I ramble on about.

I just…

My life isn’t starting.

I’m not earning anything by myself, I’m trying my hardest to do anything at all and no one seems to be listening. No employer gives me the time of day, so I’m stuck without any money probably for a while…

I have been through some nasty suicidal phases of my life. I’m sure almost everyone has in this day and age. There is so much wrong with the world we live in, it’s easy to get lost in the darkness and see no other way out.

I always try to stay positive, to tell other people to do the same…

But all year I’ve been trying to get a job. When I reach out for help and offer what I can in return, it’s a miracle if anyone at all responds to it.

I guess this is some of that venting I was talking about before, haha. What I’m trying to get at, rambling aside, is that I have gotten into another very dark period of my life. I just don’t see things improving.

I feel patronised when I try to let my frustrations out, I always get the same “you have no experience” or something like that. It’s just even more frustrating because… What do you think I’m trying to get?? Do you think I’m throwing myself in the deep end trying to get a really good job right off the bat??

Everything I want to do with my life is such a hard field to get myself into. Everything I’m trying seems pretty hopeless right now.

And really, it feels like no one would be missing much if I was gone. I won’t do anything stupid, but god I want to. I’ve wanted to for years.

Venting: What does it do?

I realised how powerful it really is to vent out your feelings, that little something that’s been bothering you for weeks. You can think about it for days on end by yourself, but the moment you actually talk to someone about it, it feels like weight off your shoulders.

I’m having some troubles remembering some pretty bad times in my life, and I spent many weeks laying awake in bed.

Thinking of what I could have done differently…

Thinking of all my wrongs in the situation.

And most of all stuck in a loop of hypocrisy. Why is it weird that I did the exact same thing that they did to me? Why does me doing it make it weird?

I sat down and after a few hours of goofing of as usual, one of my best friends just listened and let me vent it out. It really did help, I’ve barely thought about it since.

It’s just kind of funny how you can spend so long thinking about something by yourself, when sometimes all you really need is for somebody to listen and understand what you’re going through.

Having someone to talk to is so important. Having people that understand you and want to help you… Is so important.

I certainly don’t have that many friends, but the few I do have are so loving and supportive. Even when my head makes me try to feel like I’m on my own, it’s nice that any of them will hear me out and help me.

And of course, there are other ways to vent, too! Any way to get stress of your chest, I have found pretty valuable along the line.

This includes writing. Whether you want to portray all your frustration in a more creative project, or just writing down all your thoughts and feelings. Don’t stop and think, just write it all down and get it out of your head.

It feels like you’re getting it out somewhere, and can empty all those words on the page out of your head, so at least you’re not stuck with them for a little bit.

Then the other way I find helpful, but it’s just because it’s something I do so often, is drawing what we call ‘vent art’. Art that pours all your negativity into it at that moment, often being a little darker than whatever the person would normally think of.

Again, it’s another way to take those dark emotions and hopefully get them out of your head when the thing is finished.

Well really, the point I’m trying to make is that venting is important. No matter how you do it, it’s very important to get more negative and unpleasant thoughts out of your head and poured into something else.

Venting can really save you some stress! I forget it a lot myself, so I guess writing about it is pretty nice to do, especially after last night.